Perhaps as evidenced by my repeated reflections on it, the ego subject – at least for me – can be confusing. And confounding. Frustrating too.
The other day, for instance, someone was presenting about the importance of establishing ‘ego-free zones’ in a particular line of work. Egos were simply not permitted, the person said. What happened if someone brought their ego to the effort? They were removed from the project, without second chances.
The presenter sighed. “I personally fired four people, on the spot.”
My own ego was no doubt to fault for my internal reaction to the news of the firing. While others nodded, my insides got themselves tangled in a thicket of skepticism. How do you determine that someone’s ego has or hasn’t been checked at the door? Who gets to decide? Why couldn’t the ego-laden project contributors have been coached into more ego-lax approaches?
To be fair, the situation being referenced was high stress; initial impressions could leave a sour, lingering effect on work that was vitally important. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder whether the behavior under review might have been something other than that of people’s overactive egos. Was it possible that something else was going on?
We all know the personality type of the obvious egoist: pushy, lots of “I” and “me”, an unbalanced concern for how circumstances will impact the self versus others. These people are tiresome. They can be domineering, powerful. They often are in charge.
Which is probably why I get suspicious when people in positions of authority talk about ego-empty behavior. My own experience has been that, deep down, I myself have wanted to be personally recognized for high-minded, laudable values when I’ve spoken in public or work settings about the importance of ego-free service. It sounded good, sure – until I learned that the true servant does not need to talk about service because she or he is usually keeping their lips closed, their eyes soft, and their ears open. That wasn’t necessarily the case in past circumstances when co-workers or I have trumpeted the cause of humility and selfless service orientations. None of us were paragons of so-called ‘servant leadership’. Our words were louder than our actions.
And so I’ve stopped admitting that I’ve read certain texts or support particular leadership styles, if the topic of service arises. I don’t trust that I’m able to engage in the subject with the right level of humility.
Unfortunately, that distrust extends to others.
All of us have egos, yes. It is part of the human experience, an inherent component of identity formation and interpersonal differentiation. But the show “between our ears” can become more than just an internal processing platform, a way of making sense of interactions, feelings, and daily activities. It can become an individual form of big screen and stage entertainment, designed and displayed for a solitary viewer. We can see ourselves as saviors, martyrs, role models, change agents, and champions. We can become the sole protagonist of our own unique story. If that happens, we can mistake the mind’s eye magician for a miracle maker or masterful creator. We can become so enamored with the script cried from the internal stage that we mishear our own barker’s call of self-discovery as a message of transformative meaning intended for the outside world.
Sadly, I was suspicious of the easy socialization of ego-unfriendly dictates summarized by last week’s presenter on collaboration. My own internal braggart raised his wiry eyebrows. He wanted to engage my attentions elsewhere. He would have loved for me to peek behind the curtain camouflaging my under-appreciated brilliance. He goaded me to say something interesting and insightful so that others might have a similar view.
I just breathed. I listened to the presenter. I marveled at my own feeble grasp of egoism’s essence.
Is writing about this now itself an act of ego-centricity? It could be. Although I don’t intend this brief revelation to be self-flattering, it is possible that the very divulgence of my recent reaction to the topic of ego is yet another example of my own ego’s manipulative attempt to be heard.
The orator standing center stage in my internal story can be quite the trickster.